my darling ryan is a v brave boy!

been telling ryan doc is goin to fix ur pro, u be a brave boy after tat u will have big present then he say sweet too! tat is before the day...

today wake up early, no fd for him, fasting overnite, go Mt A hospital at 8.30am to register.
the nurses all find him loveable. he is cute n lively.

i can feel his scare once we were bought to check in the ward.
as me was feeling nervous but i tried to remain cheerful.
ryan is v sensitive to feelin so any sad or wat on my face will affect him.
i hold his hand trying to be as normal as cheerful as i always be and the nurses around oso speak with a very light and joking voice. they oso play with ryan. making ryan shy... lol...

then started to change him into hospital children clothes. lucky the clothes got clowns and circles printing, hoaxing him saying, wow! his clothes is v pretty, got clown and circle, look! got elephant, then he allow me to undress him and change. and the nurse gave him some stickers which really cheer him up a lot!! the nurse said he very easy be bribed! haha...

can feel he is feeling sth not quite rt... but still i force myself to be lighthearted and cheerful toking and loving him as usually.

then holding hands we walk to the operation room, while ryan was siting down looking at cartoon tv and playing w his sticker, i told him to look after my bag while i changed into hospital dress cos i need to go in with him and come out after he fell sleep. after i came out he look at me and i told him, look, mummy dress is not as pretty as urs. ryan's had clown and circles! mummy no pictures,and he laugh out loud. that laugh really make my feeling lighten up a bit.

doc came, and tok w ryan and we walkin into the op-rm. this time i am really scare but i cant show it. i keep on toking to ryan, look ryan wow c so many people.. blar blar blar...
then came into a small room the doc who in charge to put ryan to fell zzz tell me to hold him tight as he put mask over his face, ryan is taken by surprise and started to cry. i faster tell him, remmber tat time u cough cough,doc oso put mask on ur face rt? its ok dont worry... ryan keep on looking at me, his tearing eyes makes me even stronger in front of him, i cant cry... although he still cry but medic taken effect v fast and he close his eye then i am asked to leave.

went to change back my own clothes i faster look for vending machine see wat i can get for ryan cos its really a very short operation half hr to 45 mins. so tick tok tick tok, cos mummy promise ryan buying him a present for a big brave boy! the vending machine all are food and suddenly tot of doc say cant eat after operation , must wait for 3 hrs later so to prevent later ryan screamin to eat the yummy looking tibis, i dont buy.
i went downstair looking for shops and found gift shop after getting myself a vending machine sandwich and a can of green tea..

manage to get sth for ryan.
a 5 buck dinasour sticker book, and 10 buck tigger the huggable soft toy. abt the size of my arm, not too small not too big , just right for kids size.

now rushing back to level 4 and walking around the operation room waiting while the nurse called saying ryan is at the ward now. looking for me. i am prepared for his cries!!!

but then, he was just siting on bed waiting for me, doc say need to wake him up as soon as operation is done so he just sit up imm after woke up and refuse to lay down.
my pretend to be happy face appear, the nurse played along too. saying ryan really a v good boy cos he did not cry!!
i am relive he did not drop a tear.
the nurse told me before hand she saw the worse before. ther are som kids who scream and cry out loud once they woke up suddenly! maybe the effect is not wearing off yet, he is still a bit dazzy...

everything is good, doc say. come back 5 days later for check up so it will be on next monday..
now i faster wish next week come faster!!

every one prised ryan for being a very brave boy. and i show ryan the giftes!
mummy got u gift for my brave little one!!
he imm hug the tigger and say wow dinasour v loud, making everyone laugh!!

so to pass the time,me phone my im law and mum.
at 1st ryan was quiet after half an hour think he bored started to nag the usual sentence, i wan mummy , i wan mummy."

i started to make him paper stars and he was surprise and happy, i show him all the gifts and a free bag tat the sale person gave me just now when i purchase some ion toothbrushes.
telling him tat bag is for him his eye lighted up. and he started to collect stars from me.

he was playing with my hp cos my mum ask me to let him play w my hp to pass the time, so let him play around the camera. he did many shots but the hp i realise need blue tooth and my laptop no blue tooth, see when got time need to purchase a wire to connect to my hp to computer.

i keep on foldin stars doing it as slow as i can and tok to him , play w him joke w him...
time pass... after he finish his porriage and some water, rest for a while we c an go hm but then his blood had not clot all some part still dripping blood. so the nurse say rest more. i was hungry so i wnet to the vending machine and bought ryan a pack of cookie and myself a chili chips. waited from 1 pm till 4 pm finally can go hm...

the nurse use a cup cut the middle and make a hole and scotape to his skin to prevent the cloth from touching his penis.
his penis looks like mini taiwan sasauge dark red like fresh skin with honey coating some more... the coating was his blood...

took a cab hm and prevent anson from hurtin ryan , my mil and i took turn to stay close to every wher anson went. and ryan can play ,can eat and drink. ok for 1st day althoug he tend to hold his wee wee till cant hold liao then pick up his courage to wee. its not painful cos not the wee part its hurt.
its only around the head skin they cut away. the rest was taken out so no skin was attach to the penis.

the more difficult part was the nite time part. after bath anson getting him really, me start ryan.
he sit till his leg numb and he cry cos he dont know wat is numb susppose to be and tot wat so he cry. and then wipe him w small towel and then change his clothes. i let him drink his nite milk before anything.so after his milk me hold him in vertical to his bed and lay him down so i can wrap him in a very big diaper which i just bought it, XXL... usually he wear L.
trying v hard not to let his penis touch his side leg, slowly lifted his butt up to change, he was crying all the way cos he was scare and the more he cry the more i had to be brave and act as noting big deal. so trying to explain to him not to turn around or side way cos he will get hurt. and keep asking him does it hurt does it hurt blar blar, and i dont wan him to wear long pant to bed but he keep askin to wear cos he dont wan just be in diaper, he is a big boy now and he cry even louder, so i use the sarong tat he wear in the morni to let him wear in bed. think later i am goin to make 1 more sarong , 1 is not enough. the sarong had terry bear on it and i especially buy for him in case he dont wan normal sarong pattern.

after changed him, cover him in blacket and settling down, and anson was drinkin his bottle in bed and close the door let the boys zzz...

now i went in, ryan still in same positon, hope tonite he will not be in pain, later 2 am goin to feed him 1 more time pain killer medic. had to give him every 6 hr for these 3 days.

2molo asking my neighbour to help look after ryan for a while, when i send anson to his sch. going to put anson full day for 2molo, cos i scare if he is at hm , the chance of ryan geting hurt by anson is higher. so if it rains 2molo during evening time, my mil will come and pick anson for me , so i dont need to push ryan in pram and walk anson home. its not easy to push ryan and holding on to anson with my other hand. cos anson cant let off his hand, he will run off!! its dangerous!! hope it rains during evening time 2molo. so my mil can stay overnite to acc me too... cos i am feeling heavy heart now...

i sob when i wrote this long letter, half way to cry out all the stones in my heart since the begining of this morni...

daddy is not around, wat can i do? i had to comfort a child and pretend the whole day while inside i am feeli so darn scare!!

i know its a no big deal operation... its very common, circumsie (dont know the spelling, lazy to find out) but i am all alone, facing it alone...

my dad in msa,

my husband in thailand,

my mum at work(cant take leave cos part time and just started to work and she will faint if she see such thing such open wound on ryan, she will lose her sleep, she will think a lot, she will make a fuss... i think tat will easily make her life upside down, cos she more kua zhang then me!! so better dont ask her to come, she will make me more nervous.)

my mil helpin me to look after anson.

my fil working. i dont think i wan my fil to acc me too, make me funny feeling too. haha...

so its me, me, me... so got to cry my hearts out, got to cry to get ride of the stones tat build up in my heart...
hai...

hope 2molo will be a better day for ryan, he good, i good too!!
sorri i very lo so, such a long story...